Zombies are everywhere! It's like a zombie apocalypse! This just won't do at all... no, no, no. Zombies as heroes are a very bad idea! Why? Because they are:
1. Utterly Mindless.
Zombies have never been known for their mental capabilities. If you can’t talk with the guy, what good is he? I mean really, zombies have only one goal in mind and that’s where can they find their next meal? Speaking of meals…
2. They Eat Brains.
Now I know some animal brains are considered delicacies but we’re talking human brains—potentially the heroine’s brain—I just don’t see how this can work out. Besides, when has a zombie ever had table manners?
3. Lack of Personality.
Have you ever heard of a funny zombie? Me neither. You’re going to have to provide the sparkling wit in your relationship because a zombie is as dull as soggy limp toast.
4. Body Parts Fall Off.
Let’s say you can get past the horrible conversation, lack of personality, and gross eating habits and you’re in a relationship with a zombie, what do you think is going to happen when it comes to the nookie? Just when things are getting good don’t be surprised if their favorite appendage falls off! Gross! Because really…
5. Rotting Reanimated Corpses.
Zombies are not vampires. They just don’t have that sexy physique. Their skin isn’t smooth, cool, and pale. Zombie skin is green, mottled, and rotting. Vampires and zombies may share that whole reanimated corpse thing, but zombies just plain reek of necrophilia.
6. No Emotions.
Like with personality, zombies don’t have the ability to emote. Love is meaningless to them. In addition they can’t process emotions so don’t expect your zombie lover to know when or why you’re upset with a missed anniversary or birthday.
7. Bad Manners.
A zombie hero will never open the door for you and he’ll probably not pay for any dates. This might make hardcore feminists sigh blissfully about equality and fair treatment between the genders, but I firmly believe chivalrous gentlemen aren’t dead… yet.
8. Creepy stalking tendencies.
You think vampires are bad with their obsessive behavior, then you’ve never seen a zombie hero in action. Single-minded and utterly focused on his end goal… brains… brains… brains…
9. Poorer Than Dirt.
Most zombies are jobless or used as manual labor for little to no pay until they fall apart. This might explain their bad manners when it comes to picking up the check, but a working man has definite appeal.
10. Ego-Centric.
A zombie hero will never think about their lover. Everything is all about them: their hungers, their desires, their rotting bodies, etc. They will never care or pretend to care about your bad day, friend problems, or crazy relative.
So really how can you possible be wooed by the zombie hero and his culture? The answer is… you can’t!
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18 comments ↓
Well, I’m sure all this is true. Unless you’re another zombue of course! To each ther own…
Ew! Gross! On the plus side, since their mindless & lack emotions; they won’t complain about our shoe collection or book addictions. Will a zombie ever tell you to wash his clothes? Nope! That’s got to endear them to some women.
Yes, I know you’re shocked that I’m all over this
I read a LOT of zombie fiction and there isn’t usually a zombie movie I won’t see. They’re all disgusting. Most of them completely back up your argument. Zombies are just gross. When I read Brian Keene’s City of the Dead I was gagging through the entire thing.
However in a warped way Keene kind of opened the door for exactly what you’re saying isn’t possible. Yes, his zombies were disgusting flesh-eating monsters but they weren’t so much a pack of shuffling eating-machines as an army of somewhat-intelligent monsters, and there was one I found particularly enigmatic as a villain and wished I could read more of before Keene ended the book.
Now authors in all genres are playing with zombies. Michelle Lee has a book coming out, “Rot” which I believe is about a zombie care-facility. I think if an author is VERY careful and creative she (or he) will be able to pull it off. I think that in addition to romance she also has to be very familiar with the zombie sub-genre within horror. I’m really interested to see some of the upcoming titles that are on their way. There’s always room for more zombies
I should note that I recently challenged myself to write a short zombie romance and it was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to pull off, and I have heard similar sentiments from others doing the same. It’s definitely going to be interesting to see where this is going.
(P.S. for a GREAT zombie rom-com I recommend “Fido” with Billy Connelly as the zombie hero – hilarious and ridiculous!)
Exactly! Can you imagine if the zombie hero is getting his love on with the heroine? In the middle of the passionate sex scene, his important bits fall off and he suddenly munches on her brains. So not sexy!
A little bit of duck tape, air freshener and makeup can go a long way! LOL
Love the post. You make a great point! But then again, it is fiction, so I suppose anything goes in fiction.
Thanks for the mental image. EWWWW! On the other hand, zombies don’t necessarily have to be of the rotting flesh brain eating variety. Ever felt like a zombie by the end of the work week? Yuppers! And Dawn Jackson just presetned an interesting, scientific (or at least science fiction) take on the matter: http://tinyurl.com/kmkx85
You’re right of course, I was talking to A.M. Hartnett on twitter and it’s quite possible to shake things up enough to make it potentially feasible – like a time crunch romance…
Gotta fall in love and find the cure before his brain turns to mush!
Or possessed dead bodies by demon (lovers). Or even “keeping cold” or something similar to stay uh… fresh.
Dawn’s post is a trip! haha… so the next possible explanation for zombies is alien possession, nice!
My little mistakes…duct tape not duck tape! LOL
Depends… is duck tape made out of duck brains? That’d help the heroine out… though the hero might get bad indigestion from ahem… eating himself.
I suppose we could say the heroine put some duck brains on it to feed him and the tape is to keep him joined from the inside out. I imagine the constipation would be horrible!
You have excellent points! The idea of a zombie romance is not terribly comfortable, especially when you get into the realm of erotica.
I think the first step, if you want to romanticize zombies, is to tackle your list. Especially the problems with mindlessness, and a complete lack of personality. (The meat eating and bits falling off could easily be comic relief or a point of conflict, like it can be with werewolves who become bestial when transformed.)
I also think #10 is the most interesting and probably one of the themes represented by zombies that makes them such a huge horror monster. You’re right, they aren’t thinking about you, not even out of politeness, and their greed and hunger (in traditional stories) is going to get you killed.
But I think since you can take werewolves and vampires and even demons out of horror and make them part of romance you can find a way to do it with zombies too.
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Haha! This is hilarious! Ever see Army of Darkness (aka Evil Dead 3)?
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Samanther- Actually, I haven’t. Why?
Heheh.
So true, so true.
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