Guest blog by Amber Malloy, author of The Ringer
I’ve written a blog on what I perceive to be mental disorders of our fair Disney princesses. I really don’t have enough words on this page to run down the mental illness of the heroes, but I can con a few of these bad boys of the fairy tale world.
The Little Mermaid, Prince Eric: In a word, Prince Eric is gullible. I could say this about all Disney heroes, but this man gets fooled by everyone so frequently that it becomes a little painful to witness. This prince needs to be married just for someone to help him through life. It’s just too easy to get over on him. Handsome, valiant, and strong yes, easily fooled … definitely. Ladies, you don’t want this one in charge of the checkbook since Prince Eric probably has a few deeds to the bridges he’s already bought.
The Princess and the Frog, Prince Naveen: Broke as hell! Is his pauper status enough to write off this pretty man, no, but his vanity and insincerity certainly are. This pretty man will be in the mirror more than the princess, and who needs that when she has to be the bread winner, too? Seriously, poor and vain do not mix, but once lazy is thrown into the tantalizing package this prince is presented within, it makes little to no difference for a lasting relationship.
Tangled, Flynn Rider: Isn’t Flynn the cutest, most charming hero ever? Oh, did I fail to mention he’s a thief? Yep, Flynn steals. Sure the princess will have crazy fun with this degenerate, but is it worth it? Every time the queen’s police enter the castle the princess will have to quickly think of an alibi. “No, guards, he was with me the whole time!” (freakin’ klepto). Besides this guy’s cool name, one would have to decide if it’s worth being saddled with a sticky-fingered hero.
Tarzan: There are so many cons to this hero I almost don’t know where to start. He doesn’t walk upright, eats with his hands, and has the thought process of an ape. However, for me the two traits that stand out as absolute pro’s are his ability to glide through the air with the heroine on his back, his chiseled body, and my personal favorite, no talking … sorry, that was three! Now a lot of woman would not be in favor of this trait, but for us introverts the meditative sound of silence is right up our alleys. So, The Best Hero Award goes to Tarzan. Strangely enough, growing up in the jungle probably helped this hero win.
Hey, don’t judge me! I’m pretty sure you wanted me to pick Hercules. Can you imagine marrying a half man and half god? Oh the narcissism.
Lane Garret is a dead ringer...
Newly single, cheaters decoy Lane Garret is excited about her fresh start and believes everything is at last on track. Unfortunately, her fantasy of the good life is blown away…along with one of her marks. While on a date, Lane not just witnesses a murder but almost becomes a victim. Saved in the nick of time by one hot detective, she wonders if someone wants her dead.
On forced leave due to a pending Internal Affairs investigation, Jackson (Jax) Thornbird agrees to do a friend a favor. Tricked into decoy security, Jax decides one night will be easy enough, but things go awry. When shots are fired, he grabs the girl and leaves the scene of the crime—a rash decision that could ruin his career. However, Jax has a hunch the intended target wasn’t the dead, cheating husband.
It was too dark to see the woman’s face, but Jax recognized something about her. Streetlights ran over the car, creating a quick shadow before slipping back into the night.
He couldn’t get a good read on her face.
Even with her strange blonde hair and oddly matched clothes, Jax remembered the decoy.
This woman reeked girl-next-door wholesomeness, but without direct light he couldn’t place her, underneath the heavy makeup and the two-times-too-small Hello Kitty tank she wore.
“I know you,” she said. It came out in a hushed whisper while they sped down Wacker Drive. The underground tunnel had dangerous twists and turns.
“I-I-I remember—” she stuttered with a bit more panic lacing her voice.
A sedan whizzed past them, missing the sports car by mere inches. To overcompensate for the close call, she jerked the wheel too hard, careening them into a massive spinout.
Adrenaline thrummed through his veins, and Jax reached over to grab the steering wheel.
“Put your foot on the brake,” he instructed as they continued to spin in the opposite direction. She didn’t utter a single word, not even a peep, while Jax maneuvered the car into the slide.
Almost too late to save them, Jax noted very few cars passed them before they spun out over the median divider.
“I know you,” she wheezed. The woman dropped her head on the wheel.
The car idled in the middle of the road as Jax tried to calm her down. “You’re going into shock,” he told her. “I need you to take three deep breaths, hold for five seconds, then exhale. Come on, I’ll do it with you. One.” Getting close to her, he inhaled and waited before he released.
After a moment she began to follow his lead. Once they got through their first repetition, she had calmed down a bit. “Hot,” she said before she snatched the blonde wig off and shook her dark hair loose. The light from the street caught her eyes. Jax gazed into her dazzling green globes.
“Yeah,” he admitted as he stared at her. “I know you, too.”
About the Author:
Amber Malloy dreamed of being a double agent but couldn't pass the psyche evaluation. Crushed by despair that she couldn't legally shoot things, Amber pursued her second career choice as pastry chef. When she's not writing or whipping up a mean Snickers Cheesecake, she occasionally spies on her sommelier. Amber is convinced he's faking his French accent.
Cover Artist: Lacey Savage