Virginity in a contemporary novel is particularly frowned on as being unrealistic. Speaking as a virgin in this modern society, I am proof we do exist.
Why is it considered practically a sin to mention you are a virgin? I have even been told not to be proud of my status as one. Why are women and men being so judgmental on those that choose to stay chaste? Why is waiting for the right partner or waiting for marriage deemed inappropriate?
Being a virgin is as natural a state to be in as is the opposite. Experienced or inexperienced should make no difference to the right people. Intimacy is not found only in the bedroom. It’s built out of little moments, secret moments between one soul and another.
I choose to wait because I value it. I do see it as a sign of love to wait for the right man. Call me a hopeless romantic, I don’t care, I’ll be the first to admit it. Others value their virginity for religious or cultural reasons. I know of men who wait for the right woman, and while virgin males in real life are rarer than male virgin leads in romance, they are out there. They do appeal and they won’t always be the nice guy who finishes last.
A woman can be sensual and kind and loving without having given it up. The same for a man. Virginity does not automatically equal to being frigid or a prude. Opposed to heroes and heroines of historical romance, contemporary leads and real life virgins are vastly more knowledgeable... after all there's any number of books, videos, courses, etc. on human sexuality.
Some say that staying a virgin (representing optimism/idealism) is to be on the opposite extreme as a man-hating woman (representing pessimism/cynicism) and that both are just as bad. Based on that I must wonder then if the middle ground, being a realist, is the only type of person to be interested in? I very much doubt that.
Virgin or not, I just don’t see the point in getting emotionally entangled with someone just to stay in the game. Does that mean I think less of those that want to be actively in the game or that my bar for a man is unbearably high and impossible to reach? I don’t think so... all women/men are different, we all have different opinions on relationships and want different things for ourselves. I feel a relationship should be built on mutual attraction and compatibility. Good chemistry in both aspects is easy to spot before you get to the bedroom. If it’s not there why start something that will ultimately fail? Or as a pushy partner might say, lead them on?
I know what I need in a man: sexual appeal, compatibility, and stability. In addition to those needs I would like several other things in a man and yet understand that what I want I may not get. Would I mind if he was a wealthy, charismatic, world trotter that was impossibly arrogant with a tender side devoted just to me? Not at all, but I’m not holding my breath on the chance that I'll score the next (Harlequin) billionaire.
As a virgin with limited relationships, I don’t feel that I lack the life experiences necessary to spot a prince. Frogs and toads can be avoided without having to kiss them first. Princes can be missed while being distracted by frogs. Ultimately, what I most hear as a virgin on 'game' advice is this: if you're not shopping around how will you know what fits and doesn’t fit? Shouldn't you at least check him out in the changing rooms? The answer I have for that is my gut reaction, inner instinct, or women’s intuition. Call it what you will.
I’m tired of being thought of as every parents’ dream, many an experienced woman’s object of scorn or pity, and every man’s worst nightmare. Virginity has merit; it’s time society remembered that.
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8 comments ↓
Right on! God bless you for standing up for yourself and for what you believe in. There is NOTHING wrong with being a virgin. This society wants to rush everyone into sex at as young an age as possible, and putting that kind of pressure on people is just plain wrong.
Some famous people who were virgins all their lives include the greatest scientist of all time, Sir Isaac Newton, and the brilliant illustrator and author of children’s books, Edward Gorey. And Lewis Carroll (Charles Lutwidge Dodgson), Emily Dickenson, Immanuel Kant, Soren Kierkegaard, Hans Christian Anderson. Not an underachiever in the bunch.
I lost it at 18 and was completely sexually out of control in college, basically jumping into bed with anyone who was interested. I wish to God now that I had exercised a little more self-control. A lot fewer people, including me, would have experienced unnecessary rejection, jealousy, embarrassment, and general pain. I met the woman I eventually married at 19 but didn’t stop sleeping around until I was 23. I regret now that I was such a slut, but it’s too late.
How do I tell someone who’s wondering about it, I went hog-wild over sex in college but you shouldn’t? Among other things, I’ve lost the ability to effectively warn others.
Though I should add, of course, that while promiscuity is a sin, it’s not the worst of the sins. The worst sins are not the carnal ones, but the spiritual ones — pride, spite, envy, anger, contempt, desire for vengeance. That will damn you quicker than sleeping around. But of course, it’s better to do neither.
This is an amazing post! I am so glad I stumbled across it, today especially. The hero and heroine of my novel are both virgins. Yes, it is set 200 years ago, but you might be surprised to know the number of negative marks I have received for that choice! Luckily my editor disagrees and thinks it is one of many aspects to my novel that sets it apart. But, just today I received another hateful slur against my ’sensitive virginal man who cries.’ Ha! Funny how those 3 attributes, apparently wrong ones to possess, go together.
I applaud your choice and wish I had made the same one. I did, however, choose not to sleep with my now husband of 23 years prior to marriage. We consider that choice one of many that has bonded us together and sanctified our marriage.
I think I was the only one in my high school who graduated a virgin. I was 18 when I lost it too. I don’t regret it. Espcially when I had friends who were having abortions.
When my husband and I split up after ten years of marriage and two kids, I was rather celibate for nearly seven years.
When I met my second husband, I made him”wait” unlike some of the other guys I had dated just before him (because I just wasn’t that into them as potential husbands). He has said to this day he liked the fact I made him wait a few months. We’ve been together seven years, married nearly one.
Nothing wrong with being picky at all….
I am asexual – small, harmless and perfectly healthy minority – and I am happy 38 years old virgin.
Thank you so much for this article! I am a happy 23-year-old virgin but it seems that others have a problem with it. I have even been asked by friends if I am a lesbian. “Men” I’ve dated have found out through the grapevine and treated me completely differently and not in a good way. They say the same things that I am a prude, think sex is dirty or hate men/have impossibly high standards. None of which is true and people seem to have a hard time getting past this “big deal” and getting to know the real me. With all this horrible treatment it seems like I’m going to be a virgin a long time if not forever! I don’t think it’s a bad thing that I have enough respect for myself to wait for a decent person, even if he doesn’t exist.
Great post! I wish my parents or someone would have told me what virginity or losing it really means and how to spot a guy who’s worth it. Instead I grew up in belief that it’s no big deal and learnt the hard way. Recovering from the emotional damage done by relationships that have started the wrong way has (presumably) been much harder than it would have been to avoid all this mess in the first place.
i salute all of you who for posting all of your experiences. i am 33 and never slept with any man before and until now. got also some horrible treatments and insults cause im still virgin at 33, well, nothing is wrong with us, when we choose to wait for the right time, place and with the right person.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!
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